36 Rules Of Life
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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
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A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
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If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
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Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
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A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
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Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
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Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
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Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
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There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
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Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
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Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
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Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
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It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
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There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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You should not confuse your career with your life.
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Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Never lick a steak knife.
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The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
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You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
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You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
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Your friends love you anyway.
